Post-Holiday Let Down

Well the season has passed once again and we're stuck with a few more things for the thing collection and regret over the gluttony that we partook in. It's a sad diatribe that the end of the year has turned into a corporate driven binge fest, fueled by excessive spending, media blitzing and eager capitulation. We walk into Christmas each year the same exact way; eyes open with idiot grins on our faces, yet we often forget the real reasons for the holiday.

Yes Jesus was born (though Christmas itself had its December roots in Pagan winter solstice celebrations), and we should be thankful that he came into this world of sinners at all. Personally I wouldn't have the stomach to come here to die for some of the people out there, but I guess that's why he's the son of God and I'm just another schmuck.

Additionally this time of year should be thought of as a time for getting together with friends and family and being thankful for the interactions that we most often take for granted. So during this holiday season remember to take time to see/call your friends and family and thank them for being part of your life...we all need something to be thankful for this year, and it obviously isn't going to be provided by Uncle Sam.

If I don't talk to you until next year, have a great New Year. May 2010 be a prosperous and happy year for all.

Lars T.

Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.
~Kate L. Bosher

In this time of giving...

Well it's December again and another year is coming to a close...wish that I could say that 2010 was going to be cool like it is in the movies but unfortunately it looks like it's going to be 2009 all over again (aka crapfest 2009 part 2). We've got an impending healthcare holocaust coming as early as February and frankly the jobs market hasn't turned around in the least from the recession (that they say is now over, but I believe is still shitting all over us). So in the spirit of looking towards a more positive future let's look at some technologies that we've been hearing about (some since the 1980s) and determine whether we'll be seeing them by 2020 (good round number, and if 2012 disaster happens I'm off the hook).

1- Levitation Vehicle (AKA the flying car)

This little gem has been promised to arrive as early as 1991 with a 100% probability. Ridiculous...So it's a flying car that seats 4 and takes off vertically and operates at speeds around 400 miles per hour and yet is as easy to operate as a video game controller. Let me note that in 2009 we had professionally trained airline pilots that overshot the airport by an hour's worth of time...and yet there are some idiots that actually believe flying cars for the general public are a good plan. I see this idea as being almost universally bad and unattainable. We have enough issues as a species thinking in 2 dimensions driving a car, upping the ante to full 3-dimensional movement is the pipe dream of the same idiots who ogle over Megan Fox, yet are too wrapped up in their online gaming to even go outside and meet any girls at all.

Lars T. probability for the future - 2.2%

2- Underwater Cities/Living

OK this one's possible and there are some resorts out there that are underwater. I find this one fascinating because it would be pretty cool to live underwater away from everyone else. Noise pollution is a thing of the past...pesky neighbors eliminated. Then I think about what a ship at the bottom of the ocean looks like a year after it sinks...you wouldn't be able to see out of your porthole after a month...unless you were out there cleaning all the time. And when you finally watch a fish take a shit in the water outside your living room and watch the turd slowly mist into the water you'll think twice about Fido's bad habits on your front lawn. Mowing doesn't sound so bad comparatively. As for this becoming a universal trend, I see it as unlikely to happen in the next 20 years.

Lars T. probability for the future - 15.8%

3- Corporate Countries

It's true that many multinational corporations make more money than many nations on earth and it's true that they influence governments and politicians, however they never out and out took over a nation like they did college Bowl Games. It would be cool to see something like "Honduras of GE" but I don't see it happening. Corporations would rather work outside the stifling realm of government, using their vast wealth to make us all suffer without taking any of the blame...perhaps floating corporate headquarters could happen in international waters...thus giving these corporate "nations" autonomy where they will be free to live like the pirates we already know them to be...raping us harshly at the checkout counter and on the high seas. ARRR!

Lars T. probability for the future - 11%

4- Biotech Implants (Computers in your head)

Yeah you can get an RFID tag put under your skin for tracking and some device control, however a fully integrated computer inside the head is unlikely to see the light of day for quite some time. The cyborg phenomenon is likely to stay "technology on the outside" for the time being. With the leaps in technology why would someone go under the knife to add hardware that will be outdated in 6 months...it wouldn't make sense. I don't see Steve Jobs or Bill Gates talking about the iHead and how it's going to revolutionize your life. Certain things can go into the body...your PC shouldn't be one of those things.

Lars T. probability for the future - 8.4%

5- Interactive Cyber Worlds (Virtual Reality VR)

We've got Second Life and World of Warcraft as the precursor to the future of gaming and Myspace and Facebook social networking. We can video conference and communicate across the Net like never before...adding these technologies together into a 3-dimensional interactive space is sure to be the next major leap, combining the aforementioned technologies into the first real interactive world. I hate the idea because I really hate most everyone out there...except you who are reading this right now (I like you marginally). Having to hook up with people in a virtual world sounds stupid because social networking isn't about meeting up with people, it's about sharing your idiotic life with them for as long as they're willing to look at your Tweets and Facebook Status updates. Screw you all I don't think you're funny!

Lars T. probability for the future - 31.7%

6- Grown body parts

With certain stem cell research being allowed by the government and scientists out growing human ears in labs it's a strong possibility that we'll all get new organs specially made for us down the road (that is if the new US healthcare plan doesn't tank everything straight to Hades). Smoked to much during your adult life and suffering from Cancer? Pull out those used up lungs and puff away puff away puff away home with and all new pair. Hell if they can put someones face on someone else and use stem cells to create body parts it's only a matter of time before your stuff will be developed while you wait. And I know you guys are thinking about your new wang...

Lars T. probability for the future - 75%

All in all the future still looks like a heaping bowl of cherry covered turds...Excelsior!

Lars T.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. -Yogi Berra

Reading is Fundamental

There's been a lot of hype surrounding certain sci-fi/fantasy movies which were adapted from books as of late, and while certainly some of it is deserved, there's a part of me that wants to slap the snot out of everyone who hypes the movies as "the greatest" films without having even read a line from the literary work that proceeded them and are usually superior to the celluloid version. Following are a list of books that movies have been adapted from that people should read in addition to seeing the movie.

Harry Potter: To be certain, this movie franchise has been spectacular. The evolution of the series has propelled us along at break neck pace towards the climactic finish. It's true. However, if you haven't had a chance to read J. K. Rowling's series then you are a dolt. I had my doubts about the movies, and the books that preceded them when I first heard about the "Harry Potter Phenomenon" however being the super-genius that I am I decided to judge for myself (my opinion being the only one that matters). The books are well written, structured for an evolving storyline and grow in maturity level as the books go on. Shame on the religious fanatics that have crapped all over this series as being satanic and Wiccan...it's a story, get over yourselves...or I will cast a spell on you and turn you into a liberal!

Twilight Series: Stephenie Meyer really hit the nail squarely on the head with these books, and much like the aforementioned Harry Potter books I was skeptical that these books were anything more than teenage fluff. How wrong was I?!? Well I wasn't wrong, as usual I was awesome and so are these books. If you like the movie I demand that you read the books now! Don't go to work, don't eat, and don’t take bathroom breaks...get reading. Although the movie is fairly faithful to the book, I think that anyone who reads the first chapter will see that Meyer really has her shit together...besides she was inspired by the band Muse...which may be the coolest band to come out of the British Isles since the Beatles...and that's high praise.
All the movies are scheduled to be made into films so if you are a douche who can't read, fear not you'll get you chance.

2001/2010: Arthur C. Clarke wrote some really cool books. Arguably, 2001: A Space Oddessy is the precursor to modern sci-fi movies, and certainly Stanley Kubrick's film which was written concurrently with the book was an amazing achievement. I would offer that the book series which has 2 more books 2061 and 3001 are some of the coolest books by an old dude that you could read. Clarke's vision of the future, although not in line with the actual future, has offered us a lot of interesting ideas that have spawned technologies that we now take for granted. Now granted, 2010 wasn't exactly the best film ever made, but the book version was so check it out.

Nightwatch/Daywatch: These movies, if you're lucky enough to even know they exist (they're Russian) are probably the coolest sci-fi/fantasy movies ever made outside Hollywood...BAR NONE! If you haven't seen them then get on your Netflix and queue them up immediately, or I will smack you like a bad bad donkey! In the meantime you should go get the entire Nightwatch Series of books by Sergei Lukyanenko, which includes Nightwatch, Daywatch, Twilight Watch and Last Watch (so far). These books are mind-blowingly good...an absolutely awesome book series, following an epic struggle between good and evil...and for once the United States isn't the major player here...it's Russia, deal with it! Certainly a top pick for awesome reading. Shame that the latest two books have not been made into films as yet...we can hope.

Lord of the Rings: Yeah the movies were epic...but how could they not be given the books they were based on. J. R. R. Tolkien gave the world what we now commonly envision as elves and dwarves and all manner of fantasy that we now take for granted...it wasn't Dungeons and Dragons, it was Tolkien. Without his books, The Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings series we'd all be living with a whole different perception of the fantasy world, and you'd have never created a elven mage with magic missile in your buddy's basement in 9th grade that you still think about from time to time...nerd! Anyhow, bypassing your awkward teenage years these books are a rich tapestry of myth and magic with epic battles and heroic characters. Give it up for the granddaddy of them all!

Other Noteworthy Movie/Books you should check out:

Dune

The War of the Worlds

The Time Machine

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Lars T.

You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them. -Ray Bradbury

September...where hast thou gone with my console games?

So it's the end of the month and I thought since I have been neglecting the blog I'd stay up really late watching kids shows on Netflix and then at the butt-crack of dawn write a little something for all of the no ones out there who don't read it anyway!

I'd like to talk if I could about a growing issue that doesn't get enough attention in this country. It's a serious issue that I think needs to be discussed in a meaningful way with constructive dialogue and insightful exchange. Perhaps we could get a think tank going to better alert everyone to the dangerous and seemingly unstoppable problem we're facing today. I of course am referring to shitty video games that video game companies seem to think are really cool.

Here's my top 5 list of the crappiest games I have seen this past year.

All Star Cheer Squad for Nintendo Wii
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3206698
A game about cheerleading...I don't know what brain trust came up with this winner but by God I'd like to shake their hands...right off their limp wrists! It's one thing to be a cheerleader, the cheering, the football games, the underage sex and alcohol, it's quite another to want to pretend that it's cool to be a brainless slut with a penchant for flavored lip gloss and not wearing panties. Mothers and fathers of America BEWARE...this game will lead your little girls to slutdom and ultimately to pornographic acts on MTV's Real World.

Sims 2: Castaway
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3595704
I've personally railed against the Sims since the first time I laid an errant eye on the game. It's bad enough people are spending way too much time in front of the computer (yes I am guilty as everyone else) but add to that the fact that you can live a vicarious life through simulation and we're one step away from Bruce Willis's new movie. It started innocently enough...build a house, a family and watch them do all the things you should be doing yourself, then it got racey...send them to a night club, strand them on an island...what next...make them go down and pick up their welfare check? It's what you'll be doing if you play this instead of living your life.

Madagascar Kartz
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3762935
I don't know about the rest of you, but rehashing a racing game 85,000 times seems like such a bad idea that someone in the gaming industry is probably shooting themselves in the head as we speak because their boss just told the to do another "Cart" game. Mario Cart...OK it's a good idea, mix a marketable character into a cute go-cart game...it's got potential. Why oh lord then do we need to make a version for every animated thing on earth? Market saturation apparently is not a term that's tossed around in software companies all that much. "Hey Ted, just had a great new game idea!" - "What's that Mr. Senior VP?" - "I want to make a go-cart game about the Rice Crispy guys...we can call it Snap Crackle Pop-cart!" - (Sadly a single gunshot wound to the head doesn't remove the bad taste from your mouth). And spelling Carts with a K and Z doesn't make the game cooler...or make the person who came up with it more likely to get laid...ever.

The Beatles: Rock Band
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3537268
I know I'm going to catch a lot of flack about this one but it needs to be said. When I was 16 I asked my dad to get me a guitar and teach me how to play it. I got a 5 minute lesson and a "go to it". But like so many other kids with nothing better to do than make an awful racket, I kept at it to become the most mediocre guitar player ever...but at least it really was a guitar! Now kids think that it's cool to push colored buttons and butcher classic rock music. The day the music died is when some ass clown decided that fake instruments were a good idea...I'll bet in ten years guitars will all have 4 buttons and no strings. I'll have hung myself with a bass string listening to "This is the end...my only friend the end..."

Bass Pro Shops: The Strike
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3819111
Way to take a boring sport and make it fake, retarded and boring! The thought of hunting or fishing in a video game is about as ridiculous as using a cell phone to bring down a 12 point buck. First and foremost...are there video fishing days when you get up at 4AM to hit the lake for a day of fishing with the boys? On that glorious video game day do you and your buds drink too much digital beer and get a sunburn without catching a single fish? Do you get to go to the video game bar afterwards to brag about the "one that got away"? Do you stumble back to your video game home at 2AM the next morning wondering if you remembered to lock up the fishing gear and reeking of vomit and regret? If not, it's not a true fishing simulation and I say SHAME!

Adios September, we hardly knew thee.

Lars T.

Comedy Douche...Clean it out!

I was flipping between Football and Comedy Central tonight and it hit me. I need to address my growing dissatisfaction with comedians. There's a glut of really stupid comedians out there whose acts are tired and useless. They talk and I don't laugh, I cringe. Which brings me to a much larger issue...when did comedy become so stupid? I can't turn on the TV without seeing someone making an infantile comment about their anatomy, or a poop joke. Where's the intelligence? Wit has been replaced with tawdry cracks.

So tonight I give you my top 5 list of comedians who I would just as soon see dragged under a bus as listen to for any amount of time. Side note...I want to drive the dragging bus.

#1 Jim Breuer. OK, here's a guy that hasn't been funny since...forever. I caught his latest comedy special on Comedy Central and he's still making the same stupid jokes he's been making since the 80s. Goat Boy? AC/DC voice? Please...stop. And oh Jim we get it! You've got two lazy eyes which make you look stoned all the time...OOOOHHHH! I'd like to take one of those silly pizzas you're peddling on TV and shove it hot out of the oven down your throat until you suffocate on cheese. JACKPOT!

#2 Larry the Cable Guy. Here we have a guy, who pretends (yes he does!) to be a redneck. It was a genius move, but I feel it's a little Milli Vanilli. Besides that, it got tired when he was still doing it on talk radio in Florida 10 years ago. Only the lowest common denominator of people think this guy is funny. Git er done? I'd Git er done with a shotgun and a shovel...which incidentally are the only tools Larry needs to have a meal. The shotgun to kill it and shovel to spoon the raw racoon into his gaping speak hole.

#3 Carlos Mencia. Here's a case of the stereotype fitting the person...and yet NOT fitting the stereotype. If he WAS in fact Mexican you could argue that he fits the stereotype because all he does is steal other people's material. But he's NOT...he's Honduran, and his first name is Ned. Sure his mother was Mexican, but he probably has only been there to do washed up standup for drunk teens in Cancun. This man stole material from Bill Cosby...Bill COSBY! No wonder he doesn't have a show anymore...I wish that Joe Rogan (a fellow comedian and badass martial arts master) would rip this guy a new asshole and shove a lowrider up there.

#4 Frank Caliendo. In the beginning, Frank came along and gave us a "spot-on" impersonation of John Madden, and it was good. Then we got a marginally good impersonation of Al Pachino, and we chuckled. Then we got some poor impersonations of William Shatner and George Bush, and suddenly, Frank Caliendo got old. Want me to prove this dried up turd of a human isn't funny...just watch any episode of Frank TV...it's like watching the Tsunami...a total disaster and no laughing matter.

#5 Dane Cook. Mr Edgy himself. Oh he's hip, he's cool! He's got his finger on the pulse of a new generation. MY ASS! This guy isn't edgy, he does bad romantic comedies for GODSAKE! If he's all dark and edgy why in the wide wide world of sports is he doing romantic comedies with Jessica Simpson? Riddle me this Mr. Dane Cook...how many fingers am I holding up right now? Hint: it ain't two like you...it's a bit less...

Got a suggestion for a dragging? Let me know, there's always room for a few more under the bus.

Lars T.

It's that time of night...when the world turns upside down.

What in the hell are people doing buying infomercial junk? And who are these special little "God Mistakes" that keep these companies pumping out useless crap? Forget the get rich quick stuff...let's talk about the ridiculous products. We've got products that suck the moisture out of meats and fruit for jerky and dried fruit along side products that grind the moisture out of fruits and veggies for delicious smoothies, we've got ovens the size of microwaves that make the juiciest 10lb turkeys you've ever eaten...but without the artery clogging fat. We've got unbreakable epoxy clay, battery powered closet lights, cleavage clips that make small seperated boobs look like bosom buddies and something that looks like the button you slap in the family feud that can apparently chop eggs and meat and onions better than a NY master chef with 20 years experience. Speaking of chefs, what kitchen would be complete without a set of knives that never need sharpening and can cut through aluminum and tomatoes with ease, along with that cleaver that doubles as a food scoop?

Buying products on TV is like dating a stripper, once you have it you can't take it anywhere that respectable people are, it costs so much more than it's worth and it's made mostly of cheap plastic that will fall apart in couple years.

I will now run through my top 7 most insane and idiotic TV products.

#1 Bumpits™ self gripping leave-in volumizing hair inserts give you instant volume and let you enjoy feeling confident and beautiful, like you just stepped out of a professional salon!!

This thing looks like a hardened breast implant that you stick under your hair to make it look more voluminous. It's a hair implant...the only thing I have to say about that is that I like the ladies to look natural, not like the crystal skull aliens from that Harrison Ford movie...I mean really...is this product needed? Ladies? I think that hair inserts are another instance of false advertising...you wake up in the morning and without the hair insert and high heels, miss 5'9" is now 3'11".

#2 Snuggie Blanket… the Blanket with Sleeves! Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.

The next time I get trapped in a blanket I'm going to get right on this one. This idiotic "invention" is just a fleece "cult robe" worn backwards...it was most likely invented by Kris Kross, the silly rap child duo who wore their ugly urban clothes backwards...If I decided to ever wear one of these stupid things in public, I want one of you out there to burn me in it...Oh by the way, they now can be custom printed with your favorite logo/picture/saying. I want one that says "Look I'm a douche...In a Snuggy!" handed out to everyone who ever bought one of these insulated idiot warmers.

#3 HD Vision WrapArounds use technology that gives you clarity you’ve never experienced! Simply wraparound your regular glasses for enhanced vision. They are lightweight and durable, with modern European style. Why spend money on expensive prescription sunglasses, when you can wraparound?

Wow can it be true!??! Can I really get "HD vision"? Let me clue you in...unless you were born blind and these glasses can cure it, you most likely already have HD vision. These sunglasses were marketed under the name Blue Blockers a few years ago, they're merely the amber glasses that a lot of sportsmen wear when they go fishing...polarized for better clarity or some such nonsense. They look stupid, they fit over glasses, old people love them...nuff said. European people see you wearing these and you'll get you ass whooped and then laughed out of town.

#4 Jump Snap - the ropeless jumprope. "Jumping at a moderate speed of 70 to 120 turns per minute for 15 minutes burns 150 to 200 calories—as much as running a ten minute mile, but with half the impact on your knees and ankles."

OK...there may be a benefit here...but let's be honest, if you can't jump rope, you shouldn't fake it...I don't go out on a half pipe in my sneakers and jump around like an idiot and call it foot boarding because I can't skateboard, don't insult the rest of us by pretending there's an invisible rope that you aren't skipping. This is a case of the Emperor's New Clothes if ever I heard it (if you don't get the reference look it up). Jumping rope is about coordination, if you don't have it, waving around two plastic egg beaters isn't going to help...My suggestion, get a couple of plastic bottles, some string and two lug nuts and make the $.99 cent version, sure it doesn't have a handy electronic counter...but do it for fifteen minutes and you'll most likely be sweaty...or have destroyed all the breakables in the house.

#5 Presidential Victory Plate. Now you can own a piece of history! Celebrate the victorious election of our 44th President of the United States, America's first African American Commander, with the commemorative plate from the American Historic Society™. The Historic Victory Plate™ is a priceless work of art featuring the triumphant President-Elect surrounded by the American flag and spectacular fireworks celebration.

Priceless? Work of Art? Piece of History? If you buy this plate I will come over to your house and beat you with a tire iron...then I'll take the plate and use it as a frisbee against a brick wall. Am I racist or conservative when I say this? NO...I merely think that people who collect plates should be institutionalized for creating a hobby that should not exist. Unless I can use this plate to slop Salsbury Steak all over President Obama, I don't want it. Scratch that...I just plain don't want it. If you think collecting plates is going to help you pay the bills when social security fails and the plate market matures...you are going to be living on the streets eating dog food off Barack's smug visage.

#6 ShamWow! cloths wash, dry, and polish any surface. They are like a towel, chamois, and sponge all in one--except they're extremely absorbent and can be used over and over. ShamWow! towels are machine washable and bleachable, will not scratch surfaces, and will last for more than 10 years.

I couldn't go through the list without mentioning some product that's sold by Vince. This is a cloth that sucks...literally. Peddling this wonder, is none other than the squinty-eyed-master Vince...who loves German products for some odd reason. With his amazing headset, which he most likely uses to call his agent constantly to check how many more millions he has made (either that or is covers up a disfigured ear), Vince tells us of the amazing piece of yellow magic that can pull coca cola up through carpeting and then ring it out into a bowl for later consumption. Indeed this is the one product that truly has truth built right into the name...it's a Sham alright. I heard Moses actually used one to cross the Red Sea...sucked the water right up...and made the crossing "Israelite safe".

#7 Space Bag. Triple your CLOSET Space! No more Messy Closets, the New Hanging Space Bag will give you an entire Closet Makeover. Space Bag uses a vacuum seal, space saver storage bags which gain up to 3 times more space for your home storage and travel needs. If you can't make your closet drawers larger, then make your stuff smaller.

If there's a dimensional portal through space/time that creates a pocket universe where I can store clothing I never wear then sign me up...conversely, if this is merely a bag I suck air out of with the same vacuum that I suck up Mr. Skruffy's kitty litter with then forget it. I can't imagine why I would need a bag that I put clothes into that I can submerge under water and still pull them out clean and dry. I don't store my clothing at the bottom of the pond out back (that you know of) and most of my clothes stay in an unfolded pile on the other side of my bed...I only go into the closet to find ties, once a year or so.

All in all I'd say that NO product EVER sold on TV is worthwhile...with perhaps the exception of the "Freedom Rock" collection. Aging Hipsters everywhere rejoice, your soundtrack is only $19.99.

Lars T.

Left Field

Nazis of course are evil [+/-], but when one is engulfed in the ocean also known as O.C.D., Nazi as an adjective seems acceptable. Such as being very particular about your collections or hobbies, et cetera...Be that as it may, it does not mean you cook Hebrews in an oven, or attend KKK rallies. Things that are personal to someone are often treated with a different state of existence, be it physical, spiritual, or all points in between. So one adopts a "Nazi" like mentality towards dealing with such, and sometimes it overflows into places it should never be. As someone very close to me so aptly put it, "...being able to identify the irrational, and detrimental thoughts and not act upon them means you are fine..." And they were absolutely correct. Despite all the miscommunication, poor life choices, failures, et al; I am fine. I am nowhere near what my mind had planned for my future, my health could probably be better [Knock on wood...], but despite all the Tomfoolery, there are a host of things related to my existence that are awesome. My wife, my child, dogs, accomplishments I can be grateful for, people that did not suck that I had the honor of meeting or knowing, you get the idea...I am fine.

With that being said, I have a ton of knowledge concerning Dachshunds, and do believe the Badger Hound pictured above, knows something we do not...

"I like to make every ones day more surreal." Calvin and Hobbes [Calvin]

I am a sucker...I admit it, most likely here for the first time. I like the romatic comedy genre. Ouch, it's out there now, but it needed saying. I just saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Renolds. I liked the movie a lot, and it came to me that I generally like the romantic comedies I see. The Sweetest Thing, 10 Things I Hate About You, French Kiss, yup I liked them, and that's not even the full list...someone needs to shut me down now. I think I have issues...but admitting your problem is the first step towards solving them...so perhaps this is a good start.

Sandra Bullock is hot. I also like Julia Stiles...god what's wrong with me.

Lars T.

A vacation from myself.

I miss NY. I know that I love living in Florida, but as soon as I get back down here and have a little time to myself I realize just how much I was actually doing in NY while I was there and none of it had anything to do with TV or a computer...it's odd. I was complaining about the fact that Malone, NY is like a step back to 1989 but in a strange way it's actually a bit liberating. There wasn't any need for me to get connected, or try hard to entertain myself on the "interweb". I just enjoyed being there. I read a book in the pleasant weather, went to the lake and relaxed and visited with my family. I actually took pleasure in cleaning my car...it's a whole different world up there and now I have to get back to the business of keeping myself alive here in Florida. I hope I'm up to the challenge.

I have a few ideas about where I'd like to go with my life choices and I know that there is a finite amount of time left for me to get things going, but for 13 days I didn't have to think about that. I just existed in a world that, though touched by modernity, still held a lot of the simpler pleasures in life dear.

Sure I checked my facebook a couple times, and emailed some contract work to my employers, but I didn't feel the urgent need to check my email 10 times a day, or make sure I looked at my facebook status regularly to see what everyone was doing. I started caring about what it was I wanted to do...and I think that translated into my looking a little closer at what it is I want out of life, and the means to achieve those ends...

I needed my hometown perspective to see things a little better.

Lars T.

Great ideas come into the world as quietly as doves. Perhaps then , if we listen attentively we shall hear, among the uproar of empires and nations, the faint fluttering of wings, the gentle stirrings of life and hope. -Albert Camus

The Sickness of Anticipation

I don't know about anyone else, but before I do something monumental I generally get this feeling of impending doom in my stomach. It's nervous energy I know and I should most likely just try to ignore it, but I got to thinking where genetically does this come from?

Evolution, whether one believes it or not, means that genetically we carry the latent instincts of our ancestors...I like to think that the feeling I have right now might be linked back to those ancient people who felt this way before a big hunt, or a migration to warmer parts of the world. I'm getting ready to go on a road trip, one that I have made several times before, however I don't ever look forward to it and knowing that I will have to drive back in a week or so doesn't help either. It needs to happen though, as it's been nearly two years since I've gone and I really need to see my family.

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I know that I need to get things going again, however I'm finding it difficult to "get back up on the horse". I know that this area of the country isn't the best place for me to find work and yet the thought of going elsewhere doesn't appeal to me. In much the same way that I feel right now about my little road trip, I know that I would feel exactly the same way only ten times worse if I have to uproot myself and restart my life somewhere else. Comfort ranks high on my list of priorities, and unfortunately that comfort often comes at the price of stability...I know that sounds weird but I will often put myself into a bad situation rather than upset the apple cart.

I guess perhaps the sickness of anticipation is also the fear of the unknown and the leap of faith that goes along with any significant choice.

Lars T.

Since we fear most that which is unknown to us, defining moments of change occur when we choose to know our fear. -Lee J. Colan

Death and Taxes

If one were to believe that anything is possible and the desires of the heart were only waiting for the effort of the mind and body to achieve them, then wouldn't this world be in a lot better shape than it is right now? I don't want to be a downer, but it seems in these most trying of times one cannot hope to proclaim that "all is well" when clearly it is not. Be that as it may, I think that although things may be grim, it is always in one's best interest to look towards a brighter future. After all isn't that what the politicians have been doing for centuries? It seems to me that every politician always seems to say that better days are just around the corner and that although we are experiencing hard times, we need only make it just a little further to reap the rewards of a better tomorrow. Simply put, the elusive goal of happiness is always ahead of you so keep striving and you will achieve it.

But looking ahead what do we as normal people have to look forward to? We work, we get older, we work some more, try to save and invest, all in an attempt to reach some magic number, whereby we can cast off the shackles of employment and enjoy the golden years of our lives in relative comfort. It's BULLSHIT! I can't for one moment believe that God/the Universe had this in mind when it all started. We spend all of the good years of our lives under the yoke of oppression, paying in roughly one quarter of our wages to Uncle Sam, then when we're used up and on the downward slide, we get to enjoy life...what kind of an asshole scheme is that? And we can't get out of the system early, because if we do we get a penalty tax of 20%...who the fuck would agree to this kind of slavery?!

I don't like to swear but to me it seems more and more likely as the days go by that if given enough time I will most likely stay poor because the path to financial stability is paved with luck and timing. Some people would have you believe that hard work is the key to sucess, however I maintain that luck and timing are the keys to success more than hard work because what ditch digger that you can name ever made a fortune just by working hard? The Japanese work extraordinarily hard at everything, yet most business men there achieve middle management status and a 500 square foot apartment, which they never see because in order to stay competative they have to sleep at work...

If this is what we strive for then let me off the bus now...I want out of this system before I die prematurely, just as poor as I already am. The government gets over 25% of your money, and look at how well they have managed that money. Liberals hate war, and we go to war, conservatives hate increased social programs for lazy people, and yet we have more social programs...America, this is your life...get ready to die...or die trying.

It amazes me that 100 years ago before taxation became the status quo, that the USA was the most powerful nation on earth, we had no standing army yet somehow we were able to protect ourselves...we generally minded our own business, and so other nations didn't mind us so much, we led the world in innovation, invention, production and growth. Look at us now...we're a house of cards stacked too high, waiting for the slightest breeze to topple the facade. Trillions in debt, our government asks more and more of us, and still outspends their budget of OUR money.

I gotta wonder how dizzy the founding fathers are spinning in their graves as they do?

Ideas, and the inabilty to make it happen.

So I came up with an idea for a money making Iphone app that I thought would be cool and fun, however lacking the skills to create said app, the Iphone, and a Mac, I guess I'll just have to keep it to myself and see how long it takes for the app to appear from somewhere else. Seems as of late whenever I think of something cool either someone else has already done it without my knowledge, or it's going to be done very soon and I missed my window of opportunity.

For example, back in 1998ish I had this crazy idea to make a movie about a town above the Arctic Circle in Alaska where vampires go for the winter and basically get the run of the place for 20 hours a day. I was going to make it a horror film and call it Darkness Alaska. Well low and behold just this year "30 Days of Night" comes out and BANG! just one more good idea usurped. Now I know it's based on a graphic novel, but I don't know how old that is, but you get my point...I don't follow through on stuff and someone else gets the pay off. I'm not saying "30 Days of Night" was a good movie, but it stands to reason that somebody made money somewhere along the line...

I have to work on my follow-through. Finishing is just as important if not more so than starting..after all if someone starts but fails to finish, then why waste the time at all. Effort needs pay off. This little co-op digital journal that Mr. Smith and I have started is an attempt at try to follow-through on something...anything, and work our way towards something bigger and better.

"When you take that bus, you get there." -Tone Def (Fear of a Black Hat)

I'd also like to apologize to A.Smith, seems like whenever he's writing something and gets it posted, I'm also working on a new post, which puts me back at the top of the page. Forgive me oh great one, for we must think alike, with you just out in front of me.

Jubei...Kibagami, Jubei...

What ever it is that makes me A Smith [no pun intended], brought me in to existence on the side of a mountain somewhere in the Himalayas. My mother being alone with newborn and running a fever of 105-106, certainly would have perished if not for the two monks/Sherpas that found her in distress [to say the very least]. Or so the story goes...Regardless, she was a "free spirit"? who became deathly ill before/during/after I was born, and some how ended up in the neighborhood of Nepal, Tibet [Fuck you China, you know exactly what you did...], India, and Bangladesh [not sure on that one]. Due to the extremely heavy Buddhist influence, I'm quite certain [I checked with Detective 27] the ballpark of conception was Tibet or Nepal, with the only way she could have been inside of Tibet, was through ninja magic. The only two people who will ever know exactly, are the aforementioned rescuers, for I was barely completing my first trip around the Sun [9-10 months old], and my mother was freely hallucinating from dying, and Buddha knows what else [sorry, could not stop myself]. So I have faith that the sane and extremely intelligent, but also switched on woman that safely brought me here was indeed telling me the truth decades before she lost her way and ceased to be my mother. I realized, as many ninjas do [Asian or otherwise], that she was part of my objective, and once she ceased to be relevant, I never existed with her again. I just couldn't proverbially kill her, because that was not part of the mission, never mind I would have been doing her and the planet a gigantic favor. Plus, out of the chaos that consumed her came the most awesome thing I had ever seen: my sibling [would probably prefer to remain anonymous, just in case...]. So I took what information and memories I needed on the subject of mother with me and never returned.

Having quested through out the Asian continent, and the human mind, I was always happy that I was able to be immersed in what is now [almost] a daily part of my life, in the region from which it was born [so to speak]. From Kung Fu, to Samurais, and all Ninjas in between, I was heavy on building my knowledge base, and theoretical application of Zen, Buddhism, and Ninjas. I had already gorged myself on more cultural stew than the black hole at the center of my stomach could handle [not really, but close]. It left me with free time to wander aimlessly [just a tad] in my head, at which point it dawned on me that Ninjas were not black pajamas and rooftop shenanigans, as so many civilians are led to believe, but in fact, a way of mental life. Granted Ninjas due often were dark clothing, and extremely skilled at high altitude combat, and of course the ever popular assassinating for gold is key, but besides all that, you can apply Ninjitsu [mental and physical] to everything you do, from wiping your derriere, to pulling a 4 inch nail out of some one's brain without killing them. Point A to point B. Obviously that is not how it always goes, hence the path of the linear circle. Ninja only wants to successfully complete the contract, what ever it may be, with minimal resistance, and no needless abuse of the land or it's pedestrian inhabitants. Point A to point B, and Back again to collect what is due. But complications, hostilities, confusion, and a host of adversaries can arise without any notice, and so the straight line becomes horribly skewed and runs all over making it hard to keep things in focus, and achieve the appropriate perception of the start and finish of the entire event. But ultimately Ninja returns to the finish, and despite whatever twists and turns were thrown his way, if you take the body of work and lay it on its side, the complicated and jumbled tangents he faced [circles], disappear, and only a the results remain, point A to point B [line]. His target is sometimes swift and effortless, but more often it is ridiculously abrupt, and borderline quixotic. Still, Ninja adapts, overcomes, and damage controls his mission [path] and lives to contemplate another day of secret ninja bullshit...

I have by no means come as close as I think I am capable of coming, to said Ninja enlightenment, but in my 30 plus trips around the Sun, I have experienced many things that defy rational or conventional thought. Some good, some very bad, some neither here nor there. I do know that they all had one thing in common which was that all 8 senses were affected, including coherent and subconscious thought. So perhaps I am still alive [knock on wood] to try and make sense of it. Maybe at some point down my own path of linear circles, something I say will be a catalyst that I/the world needs, to pull its collective head out of it's ass. Or not.

Call it God, Allah, Science, The Universe, What Ever the Fuck You Want, until the Shit hits the Planetary Fan, we will never truly understand what set existence into motion. We did not create ourselves/ancestors nor the world we inhabit, and so therefore it is all the same. We all bleed red. We all die. We all require fundamentally the same fuel to survive. Better tan? Funny sounding Deity? Place of Birth? If you are going to screw the pooch [Chuck Yeager], at least be able to half ass explain yourself. Seriously. Racism and Religious genocide? That was your big plan? We will talk soon enough...

A Child Will Lead You...

Why is it whenever I watch a science fiction television series there is inevitably an episode with children who have formed a society without adults. Is this some secret of the genre that must be revealed time and time again? And why is it that the adults who find this civilization/culture/group must introduce the kids to the "real world" shattering their fragile existence with rules and authority? I don't have the answer, but it irks me to see these formulaic themes being rehashed again and again in a genre that prides itself on being original and fantastic. I theorize that somewhere in an underground bunker in the hills of Hollywood there is a secret group of writers that take ideas and decide how best to drive a theme into the ground while maintaining that it's a "new" concept. And for that matter, what is it with television anyway? I understand that there is a limit to the number of things that can be made into decent programming on TV, but for all that's holy I can't understand why we need 1200 programs devoted to police, or hospitals, or some kind of crime solving unit. Where has all the original programming gone? I have hundreds of channels and lately I don't think I have been getting my money's worth of programming. I watch exactly 4 hours of scheduled television a week; Deadliest Catch, Burn Notice, Warehouse 13, and Eureka. Granted it's the off season for network television, but still, I have the HD, DVR, Digital Cable and I don't even use it enough to justify the hefty price tag. To be honest I watch more TV by renting it on Netflix.

So with all the channels I should be able to find something to watch when I turn on the tube (funny, not many TVs are tube anymore...wonder if the next generation will even say tube...) but I can't...a child can turn on the TV and find something no problem...how many kid channels are there now...5...6? And yet when I was a kid and wanted to watch TV it was from 2-5PM weekdays and Saturday morning, that's it. So as a kid I wasn't satisfied with TV and now as an adult I am not satisfied. On top of all of this, why is it that 95% of the time when I turn on the TV it's during a commercial break? And why is it when I change the channel during a commercial break I generally find commercials on all of the channels?

They are screwing us...I think it's time to toss the cable box back to its owners and reclaim a little of the wasted cash. When I was a kid I did things when the TV wasn't showing something I wanted to watch...time to get more of that other stuff going again.

Lars T.

"The television, that insidious beast, that Medusa which freezes a billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly, that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little." -Ray Bradbury

Lazy Sunday

Time and myself have been battling each other since, the beginning of me. With an average work week consisting of a Monday through Friday layout, Sunday was always my day to relax, and forget all about time. Plus, being an avid sports fan, Sundays were always jam packed with something sports related [as a youngster Barkley was key, long story]. Two birds with one stone! And at the end of each Sunday, I would reflect on my week, or a particular day or event, and plan for the next week, as much as anyone can...So Lars T. and I thought Sundays would be a good day to reflect, in an expansive dialogue covering random/specific/abstract/mundane topics. It may be entertaining, or it may be offensive, or all points in between, but either way it will, or should, make you contemplate on your own level. In a good way, I hope...Is this a weekday? What day is this? [the Dude]

Moving Right Along...

I thought that I would jot something down again. We were sitting down last night trying to get A. Smith's account set up as a team member for the blog, which brought up angry thoughts about one of my pet peeves...Why the hell does it take forever and a day to set up a free account? Email, Email Confirm, Password, Password Confirm, Secret Question, Secret Answer, Word Jumble, etc etc. I swear by the time the people who set this crap up are done "securing" us we'll be forced to win a game of scrabble, complete the math section of the SATs with a minimum score of 500, and be able to recite the preamble to the Declaration of Independence...all for a free blog account...I'll be honest, I don't care if someone hacks my blog...it's not a huge concern to me. Firstly because I don't think I'm that important (yet) and secondly because it isn't like I am throwing down with literary genius and my words need to be guarded for posterity.

Every day I feel like I have to jump through one more hoop, maneuver around one more obstacle and make just a bit more effort...all for the sake of "security" or in a larger sense,"securing my freedoms". Let me ask a question...isn't the opposite of security actually freedom? If you secure something then let it go, aren't you freeing it? Are our freedoms being "secured" and are we actually losing our freedoms? Shouldn't everyone be saying "we're ensuring your freedom"? It's an interesting thought...

Just another case of the man trying to get you down.

Lars T.

He's no good to me dead...

I did not enlist in The Navy for shits and giggles. I did it because I love America, despite it's flaws, and all that was sacrificed to make it [at one point] the greatest country on Earth. The soldiers and sailors who paid the ultimate price to ensure that we would live out our days in freedom, would certainly not be pleased with how the Government has railroaded us into some Science Fiction based nightmare of Fascism disguised as the Federal Reserve. Seriously? Bankers? That is who is running the show, Senior citizens [use that term very lightly] so corrupt and greedy that Ebeneezer Scrooge himself would be put to shame [before unnecessary epiphany]. And yet, all the robots/drones/automatons [sheep] gladly say yes sir and no sir, and here is the money I have no choice but to line your pockets with, because failure to comply results in incarceration [unless you are rich, and then you are more than likely part of the problem] or worse. Old men who are so self absorbed, that the mathematics of the the whole process are lost on their abhorrent minds. They really believe that they can continue to screw [use a harsher verb if so desired] the working class, which is who they are their to serve. They look the public in the eye and hand them a giant shit sandwhich, but refuse to take a bite, the whole while telling us is the new shit, the kind that doesn't smell foul, and does not contain E-coli. And bodies drop. One by one, groups, sometimes entire communities. But that's okay, according to the politicians and bureaucrats. Of course it's okay, for those stupid bastards [how stupid are they, they have all the money...sigh], because they have the power/money to force their will and /or agenda upon us [working class Americans]. Then the senile old people re-elect the same piles of rodent excrement, and the entire teacup ride at Disney starts all over again, except you never had a chance to get off the first time. So you get dizzy and nauseous, and decent hard working well trained/educated Americans stop being such. The father of a child no longer sees going to work everyday so some incompetent and inherently evil men and women can take a vast majority of their hard earned money [which is evil too, but sadly necessary] and spend it on what ever their black hearts desire. So why would dad want to play by the "rules"? It seems if he told the Government to violently anal rape itself, and turn to contract killing or professional drug smuggling, he would actually have the life he was guaranteed by the Constitution. But thank a random deity that the Phat Catz in D.C., no one except for them will ever reap the beauty that was once the United States of America [now known as the United Banks of Exploited Americans, or the enemy to 94% of the world]. 200+ years after Tomfoolery with the British, a few skirmishes here and there, a couple of World Wars, and Vietnam, and this is what America has to show for it? The entire world despises us [almost], Greedy old families [bankers] run our country, and no one wants to admit That FDR [douche bag President] was in fact a Nazi, or something just as sinister. Their was a point in my life where I would have bled on a blue and white flag, to keep the other stripes red [thank you Lawrence Fishburne]. Now I believe I should cut out the hearts of all the aforementioned A-holes, and spill their precious blood [money] on the flag to keep this ship on an even keel. Too many good people have gone well beyond the call of duty, and have nothing to show for it [soldiers returning from combat, to name one]. What happened to accountability? It was sucked into a black hole named the Federal Government, never to be seen again, until revolution [which needs to happen]. That was until the parking lot experience with Lars. After much dialouge we came to the decision that something at least needs to be said/published/blogged about the shenanigans that are the current state of this once mighty country. Words may be cheap, but if they can get people to pull their heads from out their asses, then that is far more precious than a dead tree with pictures, numbers, and signs sprayed all over it. Oh wait, thats right, i forgot. There is a bank in the afterlife where all your almighty currency is stored, so you can spend it for all enternity on any manner of indulgence you see fit. Makes about as much sense as "our" Government. No, it doesn't. I can't back that up...But I can go out of my way to articulate just how redundant and counterproductive the problems are. I got very little to do with my spare time at this point, so, let the games begin. To be continued [many times over]...

Starting Points

I stood outside with Mr. Smith tonight and discussed life, negativity and the purpose of fighting against the current. We decided that it was time to start putting our thoughts out in print. I postulated that if there was an audience somewhere not doing anything in particular, that they might enjoy listening to us rant in a random way about everything and nothing all at the same time. As life stands right now things aren't progressing in a way that we find acceptable and it needs to stop...or if it doesn't want to stop we need to at least keep track of it and work it out.

The country is in the toilet right now, and that's a shame, but there's not much to be done. People still will suck the fun out of everything, prices will go up and eventually we'll all get tired and find something equally destructive to do with our lives. In the interim we've decided to talk about the whole ball of wax, lighting upon every subject, like a bee moving from blossom to blossom, sampling the fine topics that general discourse lead to. As they say "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." It's time to see where A. Smith and Lars T. decide to go...around the block or halfway around the world. This is the first step...probably right into the shit, but hey...at least that would be something to talk about.