So it's the end of the month and I thought since I have been neglecting the blog I'd stay up really late watching kids shows on Netflix and then at the butt-crack of dawn write a little something for all of the no ones out there who don't read it anyway!I'd like to talk if I could about a growing issue that doesn't get enough attention in this country. It's a serious issue that I think needs to be discussed in a meaningful way with constructive dialogue and insightful exchange. Perhaps we could get a think tank going to better alert everyone to the dangerous and seemingly unstoppable problem we're facing today. I of course am referring to shitty video games that video game companies seem to think are really cool.
Here's my top 5 list of the crappiest games I have seen this past year.
All Star Cheer Squad for Nintendo Wii
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3206698
A game about cheerleading...I don't know what brain trust came up with this winner but by God I'd like to shake their hands...right off their limp wrists! It's one thing to be a cheerleader, the cheering, the football games, the underage sex and alcohol, it's quite another to want to pretend that it's cool to be a brainless slut with a penchant for flavored lip gloss and not wearing panties. Mothers and fathers of America BEWARE...this game will lead your little girls to slutdom and ultimately to pornographic acts on MTV's Real World.
Sims 2: Castaway
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3595704
I've personally railed against the Sims since the first time I laid an errant eye on the game. It's bad enough people are spending way too much time in front of the computer (yes I am guilty as everyone else) but add to that the fact that you can live a vicarious life through simulation and we're one step away from Bruce Willis's new movie. It started innocently enough...build a house, a family and watch them do all the things you should be doing yourself, then it got racey...send them to a night club, strand them on an island...what next...make them go down and pick up their welfare check? It's what you'll be doing if you play this instead of living your life.
Madagascar Kartz
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3762935
I don't know about the rest of you, but rehashing a racing game 85,000 times seems like such a bad idea that someone in the gaming industry is probably shooting themselves in the head as we speak because their boss just told the to do another "Cart" game. Mario Cart...OK it's a good idea, mix a marketable character into a cute go-cart game...it's got potential. Why oh lord then do we need to make a version for every animated thing on earth? Market saturation apparently is not a term that's tossed around in software companies all that much. "Hey Ted, just had a great new game idea!" - "What's that Mr. Senior VP?" - "I want to make a go-cart game about the Rice Crispy guys...we can call it Snap Crackle Pop-cart!" - (Sadly a single gunshot wound to the head doesn't remove the bad taste from your mouth). And spelling Carts with a K and Z doesn't make the game cooler...or make the person who came up with it more likely to get laid...ever.
The Beatles: Rock Band
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3537268
I know I'm going to catch a lot of flack about this one but it needs to be said. When I was 16 I asked my dad to get me a guitar and teach me how to play it. I got a 5 minute lesson and a "go to it". But like so many other kids with nothing better to do than make an awful racket, I kept at it to become the most mediocre guitar player ever...but at least it really was a guitar! Now kids think that it's cool to push colored buttons and butcher classic rock music. The day the music died is when some ass clown decided that fake instruments were a good idea...I'll bet in ten years guitars will all have 4 buttons and no strings. I'll have hung myself with a bass string listening to "This is the end...my only friend the end..."
Bass Pro Shops: The Strike
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3819111
Way to take a boring sport and make it fake, retarded and boring! The thought of hunting or fishing in a video game is about as ridiculous as using a cell phone to bring down a 12 point buck. First and foremost...are there video fishing days when you get up at 4AM to hit the lake for a day of fishing with the boys? On that glorious video game day do you and your buds drink too much digital beer and get a sunburn without catching a single fish? Do you get to go to the video game bar afterwards to brag about the "one that got away"? Do you stumble back to your video game home at 2AM the next morning wondering if you remembered to lock up the fishing gear and reeking of vomit and regret? If not, it's not a true fishing simulation and I say SHAME!
Adios September, we hardly knew thee.
Lars T.
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