What in the hell are people doing buying infomercial junk? And who are these special little "God Mistakes" that keep these companies pumping out useless crap? Forget the get rich quick stuff...let's talk about the ridiculous products. We've got products that suck the moisture out of meats and fruit for jerky and dried fruit along side products that grind the moisture out of fruits and veggies for delicious smoothies, we've got ovens the size of microwaves that make the juiciest 10lb turkeys you've ever eaten...but without the artery clogging fat. We've got unbreakable epoxy clay, battery powered closet lights, cleavage clips that make small seperated boobs look like bosom buddies and something that looks like the button you slap in the family feud that can apparently chop eggs and meat and onions better than a NY master chef with 20 years experience. Speaking of chefs, what kitchen would be complete without a set of knives that never need sharpening and can cut through aluminum and tomatoes with ease, along with that cleaver that doubles as a food scoop? Buying products on TV is like dating a stripper, once you have it you can't take it anywhere that respectable people are, it costs so much more than it's worth and it's made mostly of cheap plastic that will fall apart in couple years.
I will now run through my top 7 most insane and idiotic TV products.
#1 Bumpits™ self gripping leave-in volumizing hair inserts give you instant volume and let you enjoy feeling confident and beautiful, like you just stepped out of a professional salon!!
This thing looks like a hardened breast implant that you stick under your hair to make it look more voluminous. It's a hair implant...the only thing I have to say about that is that I like the ladies to look natural, not like the crystal skull aliens from that Harrison Ford movie...I mean really...is this product needed? Ladies? I think that hair inserts are another instance of false advertising...you wake up in the morning and without the hair insert and high heels, miss 5'9" is now 3'11".
#2 Snuggie Blanket… the Blanket with Sleeves! Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.
The next time I get trapped in a blanket I'm going to get right on this one. This idiotic "invention" is just a fleece "cult robe" worn backwards...it was most likely invented by Kris Kross, the silly rap child duo who wore their ugly urban clothes backwards...If I decided to ever wear one of these stupid things in public, I want one of you out there to burn me in it...Oh by the way, they now can be custom printed with your favorite logo/picture/saying. I want one that says "Look I'm a douche...In a Snuggy!" handed out to everyone who ever bought one of these insulated idiot warmers.
#3 HD Vision WrapArounds use technology that gives you clarity you’ve never experienced! Simply wraparound your regular glasses for enhanced vision. They are lightweight and durable, with modern European style. Why spend money on expensive prescription sunglasses, when you can wraparound?
Wow can it be true!??! Can I really get "HD vision"? Let me clue you in...unless you were born blind and these glasses can cure it, you most likely already have HD vision. These sunglasses were marketed under the name Blue Blockers a few years ago, they're merely the amber glasses that a lot of sportsmen wear when they go fishing...polarized for better clarity or some such nonsense. They look stupid, they fit over glasses, old people love them...nuff said. European people see you wearing these and you'll get you ass whooped and then laughed out of town.
#4 Jump Snap - the ropeless jumprope. "Jumping at a moderate speed of 70 to 120 turns per minute for 15 minutes burns 150 to 200 calories—as much as running a ten minute mile, but with half the impact on your knees and ankles."
OK...there may be a benefit here...but let's be honest, if you can't jump rope, you shouldn't fake it...I don't go out on a half pipe in my sneakers and jump around like an idiot and call it foot boarding because I can't skateboard, don't insult the rest of us by pretending there's an invisible rope that you aren't skipping. This is a case of the Emperor's New Clothes if ever I heard it (if you don't get the reference look it up). Jumping rope is about coordination, if you don't have it, waving around two plastic egg beaters isn't going to help...My suggestion, get a couple of plastic bottles, some string and two lug nuts and make the $.99 cent version, sure it doesn't have a handy electronic counter...but do it for fifteen minutes and you'll most likely be sweaty...or have destroyed all the breakables in the house.
#5 Presidential Victory Plate. Now you can own a piece of history! Celebrate the victorious election of our 44th President of the United States, America's first African American Commander, with the commemorative plate from the American Historic Society™. The Historic Victory Plate™ is a priceless work of art featuring the triumphant President-Elect surrounded by the American flag and spectacular fireworks celebration.
Priceless? Work of Art? Piece of History? If you buy this plate I will come over to your house and beat you with a tire iron...then I'll take the plate and use it as a frisbee against a brick wall. Am I racist or conservative when I say this? NO...I merely think that people who collect plates should be institutionalized for creating a hobby that should not exist. Unless I can use this plate to slop Salsbury Steak all over President Obama, I don't want it. Scratch that...I just plain don't want it. If you think collecting plates is going to help you pay the bills when social security fails and the plate market matures...you are going to be living on the streets eating dog food off Barack's smug visage.
#6 ShamWow! cloths wash, dry, and polish any surface. They are like a towel, chamois, and sponge all in one--except they're extremely absorbent and can be used over and over. ShamWow! towels are machine washable and bleachable, will not scratch surfaces, and will last for more than 10 years.
I couldn't go through the list without mentioning some product that's sold by Vince. This is a cloth that sucks...literally. Peddling this wonder, is none other than the squinty-eyed-master Vince...who loves German products for some odd reason. With his amazing headset, which he most likely uses to call his agent constantly to check how many more millions he has made (either that or is covers up a disfigured ear), Vince tells us of the amazing piece of yellow magic that can pull coca cola up through carpeting and then ring it out into a bowl for later consumption. Indeed this is the one product that truly has truth built right into the name...it's a Sham alright. I heard Moses actually used one to cross the Red Sea...sucked the water right up...and made the crossing "Israelite safe".
#7 Space Bag. Triple your CLOSET Space! No more Messy Closets, the New Hanging Space Bag will give you an entire Closet Makeover. Space Bag uses a vacuum seal, space saver storage bags which gain up to 3 times more space for your home storage and travel needs. If you can't make your closet drawers larger, then make your stuff smaller.
If there's a dimensional portal through space/time that creates a pocket universe where I can store clothing I never wear then sign me up...conversely, if this is merely a bag I suck air out of with the same vacuum that I suck up Mr. Skruffy's kitty litter with then forget it. I can't imagine why I would need a bag that I put clothes into that I can submerge under water and still pull them out clean and dry. I don't store my clothing at the bottom of the pond out back (that you know of) and most of my clothes stay in an unfolded pile on the other side of my bed...I only go into the closet to find ties, once a year or so.
All in all I'd say that NO product EVER sold on TV is worthwhile...with perhaps the exception of the "Freedom Rock" collection. Aging Hipsters everywhere rejoice, your soundtrack is only $19.99.
Lars T.
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