September...where hast thou gone with my console games?

So it's the end of the month and I thought since I have been neglecting the blog I'd stay up really late watching kids shows on Netflix and then at the butt-crack of dawn write a little something for all of the no ones out there who don't read it anyway!

I'd like to talk if I could about a growing issue that doesn't get enough attention in this country. It's a serious issue that I think needs to be discussed in a meaningful way with constructive dialogue and insightful exchange. Perhaps we could get a think tank going to better alert everyone to the dangerous and seemingly unstoppable problem we're facing today. I of course am referring to shitty video games that video game companies seem to think are really cool.

Here's my top 5 list of the crappiest games I have seen this past year.

All Star Cheer Squad for Nintendo Wii
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3206698
A game about cheerleading...I don't know what brain trust came up with this winner but by God I'd like to shake their hands...right off their limp wrists! It's one thing to be a cheerleader, the cheering, the football games, the underage sex and alcohol, it's quite another to want to pretend that it's cool to be a brainless slut with a penchant for flavored lip gloss and not wearing panties. Mothers and fathers of America BEWARE...this game will lead your little girls to slutdom and ultimately to pornographic acts on MTV's Real World.

Sims 2: Castaway
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3595704
I've personally railed against the Sims since the first time I laid an errant eye on the game. It's bad enough people are spending way too much time in front of the computer (yes I am guilty as everyone else) but add to that the fact that you can live a vicarious life through simulation and we're one step away from Bruce Willis's new movie. It started innocently enough...build a house, a family and watch them do all the things you should be doing yourself, then it got racey...send them to a night club, strand them on an island...what next...make them go down and pick up their welfare check? It's what you'll be doing if you play this instead of living your life.

Madagascar Kartz
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3762935
I don't know about the rest of you, but rehashing a racing game 85,000 times seems like such a bad idea that someone in the gaming industry is probably shooting themselves in the head as we speak because their boss just told the to do another "Cart" game. Mario Cart...OK it's a good idea, mix a marketable character into a cute go-cart game...it's got potential. Why oh lord then do we need to make a version for every animated thing on earth? Market saturation apparently is not a term that's tossed around in software companies all that much. "Hey Ted, just had a great new game idea!" - "What's that Mr. Senior VP?" - "I want to make a go-cart game about the Rice Crispy guys...we can call it Snap Crackle Pop-cart!" - (Sadly a single gunshot wound to the head doesn't remove the bad taste from your mouth). And spelling Carts with a K and Z doesn't make the game cooler...or make the person who came up with it more likely to get laid...ever.

The Beatles: Rock Band
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3537268
I know I'm going to catch a lot of flack about this one but it needs to be said. When I was 16 I asked my dad to get me a guitar and teach me how to play it. I got a 5 minute lesson and a "go to it". But like so many other kids with nothing better to do than make an awful racket, I kept at it to become the most mediocre guitar player ever...but at least it really was a guitar! Now kids think that it's cool to push colored buttons and butcher classic rock music. The day the music died is when some ass clown decided that fake instruments were a good idea...I'll bet in ten years guitars will all have 4 buttons and no strings. I'll have hung myself with a bass string listening to "This is the end...my only friend the end..."

Bass Pro Shops: The Strike
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3819111
Way to take a boring sport and make it fake, retarded and boring! The thought of hunting or fishing in a video game is about as ridiculous as using a cell phone to bring down a 12 point buck. First and foremost...are there video fishing days when you get up at 4AM to hit the lake for a day of fishing with the boys? On that glorious video game day do you and your buds drink too much digital beer and get a sunburn without catching a single fish? Do you get to go to the video game bar afterwards to brag about the "one that got away"? Do you stumble back to your video game home at 2AM the next morning wondering if you remembered to lock up the fishing gear and reeking of vomit and regret? If not, it's not a true fishing simulation and I say SHAME!

Adios September, we hardly knew thee.

Lars T.

Comedy Douche...Clean it out!

I was flipping between Football and Comedy Central tonight and it hit me. I need to address my growing dissatisfaction with comedians. There's a glut of really stupid comedians out there whose acts are tired and useless. They talk and I don't laugh, I cringe. Which brings me to a much larger issue...when did comedy become so stupid? I can't turn on the TV without seeing someone making an infantile comment about their anatomy, or a poop joke. Where's the intelligence? Wit has been replaced with tawdry cracks.

So tonight I give you my top 5 list of comedians who I would just as soon see dragged under a bus as listen to for any amount of time. Side note...I want to drive the dragging bus.

#1 Jim Breuer. OK, here's a guy that hasn't been funny since...forever. I caught his latest comedy special on Comedy Central and he's still making the same stupid jokes he's been making since the 80s. Goat Boy? AC/DC voice? Please...stop. And oh Jim we get it! You've got two lazy eyes which make you look stoned all the time...OOOOHHHH! I'd like to take one of those silly pizzas you're peddling on TV and shove it hot out of the oven down your throat until you suffocate on cheese. JACKPOT!

#2 Larry the Cable Guy. Here we have a guy, who pretends (yes he does!) to be a redneck. It was a genius move, but I feel it's a little Milli Vanilli. Besides that, it got tired when he was still doing it on talk radio in Florida 10 years ago. Only the lowest common denominator of people think this guy is funny. Git er done? I'd Git er done with a shotgun and a shovel...which incidentally are the only tools Larry needs to have a meal. The shotgun to kill it and shovel to spoon the raw racoon into his gaping speak hole.

#3 Carlos Mencia. Here's a case of the stereotype fitting the person...and yet NOT fitting the stereotype. If he WAS in fact Mexican you could argue that he fits the stereotype because all he does is steal other people's material. But he's NOT...he's Honduran, and his first name is Ned. Sure his mother was Mexican, but he probably has only been there to do washed up standup for drunk teens in Cancun. This man stole material from Bill Cosby...Bill COSBY! No wonder he doesn't have a show anymore...I wish that Joe Rogan (a fellow comedian and badass martial arts master) would rip this guy a new asshole and shove a lowrider up there.

#4 Frank Caliendo. In the beginning, Frank came along and gave us a "spot-on" impersonation of John Madden, and it was good. Then we got a marginally good impersonation of Al Pachino, and we chuckled. Then we got some poor impersonations of William Shatner and George Bush, and suddenly, Frank Caliendo got old. Want me to prove this dried up turd of a human isn't funny...just watch any episode of Frank TV...it's like watching the Tsunami...a total disaster and no laughing matter.

#5 Dane Cook. Mr Edgy himself. Oh he's hip, he's cool! He's got his finger on the pulse of a new generation. MY ASS! This guy isn't edgy, he does bad romantic comedies for GODSAKE! If he's all dark and edgy why in the wide wide world of sports is he doing romantic comedies with Jessica Simpson? Riddle me this Mr. Dane Cook...how many fingers am I holding up right now? Hint: it ain't two like you...it's a bit less...

Got a suggestion for a dragging? Let me know, there's always room for a few more under the bus.

Lars T.

It's that time of night...when the world turns upside down.

What in the hell are people doing buying infomercial junk? And who are these special little "God Mistakes" that keep these companies pumping out useless crap? Forget the get rich quick stuff...let's talk about the ridiculous products. We've got products that suck the moisture out of meats and fruit for jerky and dried fruit along side products that grind the moisture out of fruits and veggies for delicious smoothies, we've got ovens the size of microwaves that make the juiciest 10lb turkeys you've ever eaten...but without the artery clogging fat. We've got unbreakable epoxy clay, battery powered closet lights, cleavage clips that make small seperated boobs look like bosom buddies and something that looks like the button you slap in the family feud that can apparently chop eggs and meat and onions better than a NY master chef with 20 years experience. Speaking of chefs, what kitchen would be complete without a set of knives that never need sharpening and can cut through aluminum and tomatoes with ease, along with that cleaver that doubles as a food scoop?

Buying products on TV is like dating a stripper, once you have it you can't take it anywhere that respectable people are, it costs so much more than it's worth and it's made mostly of cheap plastic that will fall apart in couple years.

I will now run through my top 7 most insane and idiotic TV products.

#1 Bumpits™ self gripping leave-in volumizing hair inserts give you instant volume and let you enjoy feeling confident and beautiful, like you just stepped out of a professional salon!!

This thing looks like a hardened breast implant that you stick under your hair to make it look more voluminous. It's a hair implant...the only thing I have to say about that is that I like the ladies to look natural, not like the crystal skull aliens from that Harrison Ford movie...I mean really...is this product needed? Ladies? I think that hair inserts are another instance of false advertising...you wake up in the morning and without the hair insert and high heels, miss 5'9" is now 3'11".

#2 Snuggie Blanket… the Blanket with Sleeves! Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.

The next time I get trapped in a blanket I'm going to get right on this one. This idiotic "invention" is just a fleece "cult robe" worn backwards...it was most likely invented by Kris Kross, the silly rap child duo who wore their ugly urban clothes backwards...If I decided to ever wear one of these stupid things in public, I want one of you out there to burn me in it...Oh by the way, they now can be custom printed with your favorite logo/picture/saying. I want one that says "Look I'm a douche...In a Snuggy!" handed out to everyone who ever bought one of these insulated idiot warmers.

#3 HD Vision WrapArounds use technology that gives you clarity you’ve never experienced! Simply wraparound your regular glasses for enhanced vision. They are lightweight and durable, with modern European style. Why spend money on expensive prescription sunglasses, when you can wraparound?

Wow can it be true!??! Can I really get "HD vision"? Let me clue you in...unless you were born blind and these glasses can cure it, you most likely already have HD vision. These sunglasses were marketed under the name Blue Blockers a few years ago, they're merely the amber glasses that a lot of sportsmen wear when they go fishing...polarized for better clarity or some such nonsense. They look stupid, they fit over glasses, old people love them...nuff said. European people see you wearing these and you'll get you ass whooped and then laughed out of town.

#4 Jump Snap - the ropeless jumprope. "Jumping at a moderate speed of 70 to 120 turns per minute for 15 minutes burns 150 to 200 calories—as much as running a ten minute mile, but with half the impact on your knees and ankles."

OK...there may be a benefit here...but let's be honest, if you can't jump rope, you shouldn't fake it...I don't go out on a half pipe in my sneakers and jump around like an idiot and call it foot boarding because I can't skateboard, don't insult the rest of us by pretending there's an invisible rope that you aren't skipping. This is a case of the Emperor's New Clothes if ever I heard it (if you don't get the reference look it up). Jumping rope is about coordination, if you don't have it, waving around two plastic egg beaters isn't going to help...My suggestion, get a couple of plastic bottles, some string and two lug nuts and make the $.99 cent version, sure it doesn't have a handy electronic counter...but do it for fifteen minutes and you'll most likely be sweaty...or have destroyed all the breakables in the house.

#5 Presidential Victory Plate. Now you can own a piece of history! Celebrate the victorious election of our 44th President of the United States, America's first African American Commander, with the commemorative plate from the American Historic Society™. The Historic Victory Plate™ is a priceless work of art featuring the triumphant President-Elect surrounded by the American flag and spectacular fireworks celebration.

Priceless? Work of Art? Piece of History? If you buy this plate I will come over to your house and beat you with a tire iron...then I'll take the plate and use it as a frisbee against a brick wall. Am I racist or conservative when I say this? NO...I merely think that people who collect plates should be institutionalized for creating a hobby that should not exist. Unless I can use this plate to slop Salsbury Steak all over President Obama, I don't want it. Scratch that...I just plain don't want it. If you think collecting plates is going to help you pay the bills when social security fails and the plate market matures...you are going to be living on the streets eating dog food off Barack's smug visage.

#6 ShamWow! cloths wash, dry, and polish any surface. They are like a towel, chamois, and sponge all in one--except they're extremely absorbent and can be used over and over. ShamWow! towels are machine washable and bleachable, will not scratch surfaces, and will last for more than 10 years.

I couldn't go through the list without mentioning some product that's sold by Vince. This is a cloth that sucks...literally. Peddling this wonder, is none other than the squinty-eyed-master Vince...who loves German products for some odd reason. With his amazing headset, which he most likely uses to call his agent constantly to check how many more millions he has made (either that or is covers up a disfigured ear), Vince tells us of the amazing piece of yellow magic that can pull coca cola up through carpeting and then ring it out into a bowl for later consumption. Indeed this is the one product that truly has truth built right into the name...it's a Sham alright. I heard Moses actually used one to cross the Red Sea...sucked the water right up...and made the crossing "Israelite safe".

#7 Space Bag. Triple your CLOSET Space! No more Messy Closets, the New Hanging Space Bag will give you an entire Closet Makeover. Space Bag uses a vacuum seal, space saver storage bags which gain up to 3 times more space for your home storage and travel needs. If you can't make your closet drawers larger, then make your stuff smaller.

If there's a dimensional portal through space/time that creates a pocket universe where I can store clothing I never wear then sign me up...conversely, if this is merely a bag I suck air out of with the same vacuum that I suck up Mr. Skruffy's kitty litter with then forget it. I can't imagine why I would need a bag that I put clothes into that I can submerge under water and still pull them out clean and dry. I don't store my clothing at the bottom of the pond out back (that you know of) and most of my clothes stay in an unfolded pile on the other side of my bed...I only go into the closet to find ties, once a year or so.

All in all I'd say that NO product EVER sold on TV is worthwhile...with perhaps the exception of the "Freedom Rock" collection. Aging Hipsters everywhere rejoice, your soundtrack is only $19.99.

Lars T.