Retro Comedy Review

Sitting around on a Saturday night can get a guy thinking. I was watching an old comedy on the computer and reminiscing about the good old days when it occurred to me to do some movie reviews for the blog. I decided to take a different slant though and review some of the classic "under-the-radar" comedies by some of Hollywood's most respected comedians. As follows is a list of movies that I highly recommend watching for the first time or dusting off and checking out again. These aren't the movies that got these guys noticed, but on Betamax these were comedic gold.

1. Armed and Dangerous (John Candy): Better known for films like Uncle Buck and The Great Outdoors, Armed and Dangerous is actually my favorite film starring John Candy. Teamed up with Eugene Levy, and co-starring a young and cute Meg Ryan, the story follows an ex-cop and a disgraced lawyer who get involved with a security company to make ends meet. Watching Candy and Levy together is a riot, they really act well against each other. Their hijinks lead them to uncover some crazy plot and they're forced to figure it out or die trying.

Lars T. Rating out of 100%: 87%

2. Running Scared (Billy Crystal): At the height of the "buddy cop" phenomenon of the 1980s Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines team up for an action comedy that few could imagine when thinking about these two. You've got a midget Jew and a tap dancing black guy who both manage to pull off convincing Chicago cops with style and humor. While Crystal's career moved on to movies like When Harry Met Sally and his unforgettable cameo as Miracle Max in The Princess Bride, I will always look fondly on his portrayal of the plucky smart mouthed Danny Costanzo in Running Scared and dream silently about the sequel that should've been but never was.

Lars T. Rating out of 100%: 92%

3. Club Paradise (Robin Williams, et al.) An ensemble cast make this rarely remembered gem worth watching. Robin Williams stars as retired fireman Jack Moniker, who makes his way to the islands for the easy life only to fall head over heels into all kinds of mayhem and hilarity. Compared to his subsequent work this movie almost makes Williams look like a normal human being and not a coked out schizophrenic character of himself. Great reggae music, costarring an actually funny Peter O'Tool, a young Rick Moranis, and Eugene Levy, it's a movie I can actually watch over and over and not get tired of.

Lars T. Rating out of 100%: 90%


4. Bowfinger (Steve Martin): I know this movie isn't that old but I really think it doesn't get enough credit. Starring Martin and Eddie Murphy, this movie is really a good contemporary film by two actors who by all other accounts forgot how to be funny after 1991. In 1999 this movie was so unexpectedly good that most people just didn't even see it...after all, Murphy had just done the UN-funny Dr. Doolittle and Holy Man, while Martin had done the equally retch inducing Father of the Bride II and Sgt. Bilko. Bowfinger was a fresh cool comedy about a nearly-over-the-hill director who wants to make his masterpiece before his Hollywood time runs out. Yes, it's easy to say that Eddie Murphy steals the show, however I really enjoyed Steve Martin's performance as Bobby Bowfinger...his easy comedic style was a welcome departure from his more over-the-top performances (see The Pink Panther etc.)

Lars T. Rating out of 100%: 95%

5. The Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew (Rick Moranis/Dave Thomas): Before there were the movies Half Baked, Beer Fest and the host of other movie-to-get-wasted-by there was Strange Brew. This is a movie about two loser brothers who couldn't find their way out of a wet paper sack, do nothing but drink beer and eat donuts, and yet somehow manage to make us all laugh and enjoy a rather bland looking movie (supposed to be Canadian so I guess BLAND is the way to go). Just a lot of fun watching Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas act like sloshed idiots...this movie made the word "Hoser" popular...if you don't know what a hoser is it means most likely you are one.

Lars T. Rating out of 100%: 88%

OK...go to Netflix and order these movies.

Other notable, not-so-famous comedies to check out include:
Fletch Lives (Chevy Chase) I thought this was a good sequel, but apparently I'm in the minority
PCU (Jeremy Piven) Great 90s college movie, pre-American Pie and Van Wilder bullcrap.
Airheads (Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, Adam Sandler)...dumb funny, but worth watching.
Trading Places (Akroyd and Murphy) just in case you forgot about this one. A Classic!
Pure Luck (Martin Short and Danny Glover) shut up I liked it!

Lars T.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway. -Eric Idle

Post-Holiday Let Down

Well the season has passed once again and we're stuck with a few more things for the thing collection and regret over the gluttony that we partook in. It's a sad diatribe that the end of the year has turned into a corporate driven binge fest, fueled by excessive spending, media blitzing and eager capitulation. We walk into Christmas each year the same exact way; eyes open with idiot grins on our faces, yet we often forget the real reasons for the holiday.

Yes Jesus was born (though Christmas itself had its December roots in Pagan winter solstice celebrations), and we should be thankful that he came into this world of sinners at all. Personally I wouldn't have the stomach to come here to die for some of the people out there, but I guess that's why he's the son of God and I'm just another schmuck.

Additionally this time of year should be thought of as a time for getting together with friends and family and being thankful for the interactions that we most often take for granted. So during this holiday season remember to take time to see/call your friends and family and thank them for being part of your life...we all need something to be thankful for this year, and it obviously isn't going to be provided by Uncle Sam.

If I don't talk to you until next year, have a great New Year. May 2010 be a prosperous and happy year for all.

Lars T.

Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.
~Kate L. Bosher

In this time of giving...

Well it's December again and another year is coming to a close...wish that I could say that 2010 was going to be cool like it is in the movies but unfortunately it looks like it's going to be 2009 all over again (aka crapfest 2009 part 2). We've got an impending healthcare holocaust coming as early as February and frankly the jobs market hasn't turned around in the least from the recession (that they say is now over, but I believe is still shitting all over us). So in the spirit of looking towards a more positive future let's look at some technologies that we've been hearing about (some since the 1980s) and determine whether we'll be seeing them by 2020 (good round number, and if 2012 disaster happens I'm off the hook).

1- Levitation Vehicle (AKA the flying car)

This little gem has been promised to arrive as early as 1991 with a 100% probability. Ridiculous...So it's a flying car that seats 4 and takes off vertically and operates at speeds around 400 miles per hour and yet is as easy to operate as a video game controller. Let me note that in 2009 we had professionally trained airline pilots that overshot the airport by an hour's worth of time...and yet there are some idiots that actually believe flying cars for the general public are a good plan. I see this idea as being almost universally bad and unattainable. We have enough issues as a species thinking in 2 dimensions driving a car, upping the ante to full 3-dimensional movement is the pipe dream of the same idiots who ogle over Megan Fox, yet are too wrapped up in their online gaming to even go outside and meet any girls at all.

Lars T. probability for the future - 2.2%

2- Underwater Cities/Living

OK this one's possible and there are some resorts out there that are underwater. I find this one fascinating because it would be pretty cool to live underwater away from everyone else. Noise pollution is a thing of the past...pesky neighbors eliminated. Then I think about what a ship at the bottom of the ocean looks like a year after it sinks...you wouldn't be able to see out of your porthole after a month...unless you were out there cleaning all the time. And when you finally watch a fish take a shit in the water outside your living room and watch the turd slowly mist into the water you'll think twice about Fido's bad habits on your front lawn. Mowing doesn't sound so bad comparatively. As for this becoming a universal trend, I see it as unlikely to happen in the next 20 years.

Lars T. probability for the future - 15.8%

3- Corporate Countries

It's true that many multinational corporations make more money than many nations on earth and it's true that they influence governments and politicians, however they never out and out took over a nation like they did college Bowl Games. It would be cool to see something like "Honduras of GE" but I don't see it happening. Corporations would rather work outside the stifling realm of government, using their vast wealth to make us all suffer without taking any of the blame...perhaps floating corporate headquarters could happen in international waters...thus giving these corporate "nations" autonomy where they will be free to live like the pirates we already know them to be...raping us harshly at the checkout counter and on the high seas. ARRR!

Lars T. probability for the future - 11%

4- Biotech Implants (Computers in your head)

Yeah you can get an RFID tag put under your skin for tracking and some device control, however a fully integrated computer inside the head is unlikely to see the light of day for quite some time. The cyborg phenomenon is likely to stay "technology on the outside" for the time being. With the leaps in technology why would someone go under the knife to add hardware that will be outdated in 6 months...it wouldn't make sense. I don't see Steve Jobs or Bill Gates talking about the iHead and how it's going to revolutionize your life. Certain things can go into the body...your PC shouldn't be one of those things.

Lars T. probability for the future - 8.4%

5- Interactive Cyber Worlds (Virtual Reality VR)

We've got Second Life and World of Warcraft as the precursor to the future of gaming and Myspace and Facebook social networking. We can video conference and communicate across the Net like never before...adding these technologies together into a 3-dimensional interactive space is sure to be the next major leap, combining the aforementioned technologies into the first real interactive world. I hate the idea because I really hate most everyone out there...except you who are reading this right now (I like you marginally). Having to hook up with people in a virtual world sounds stupid because social networking isn't about meeting up with people, it's about sharing your idiotic life with them for as long as they're willing to look at your Tweets and Facebook Status updates. Screw you all I don't think you're funny!

Lars T. probability for the future - 31.7%

6- Grown body parts

With certain stem cell research being allowed by the government and scientists out growing human ears in labs it's a strong possibility that we'll all get new organs specially made for us down the road (that is if the new US healthcare plan doesn't tank everything straight to Hades). Smoked to much during your adult life and suffering from Cancer? Pull out those used up lungs and puff away puff away puff away home with and all new pair. Hell if they can put someones face on someone else and use stem cells to create body parts it's only a matter of time before your stuff will be developed while you wait. And I know you guys are thinking about your new wang...

Lars T. probability for the future - 75%

All in all the future still looks like a heaping bowl of cherry covered turds...Excelsior!

Lars T.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. -Yogi Berra

Reading is Fundamental

There's been a lot of hype surrounding certain sci-fi/fantasy movies which were adapted from books as of late, and while certainly some of it is deserved, there's a part of me that wants to slap the snot out of everyone who hypes the movies as "the greatest" films without having even read a line from the literary work that proceeded them and are usually superior to the celluloid version. Following are a list of books that movies have been adapted from that people should read in addition to seeing the movie.

Harry Potter: To be certain, this movie franchise has been spectacular. The evolution of the series has propelled us along at break neck pace towards the climactic finish. It's true. However, if you haven't had a chance to read J. K. Rowling's series then you are a dolt. I had my doubts about the movies, and the books that preceded them when I first heard about the "Harry Potter Phenomenon" however being the super-genius that I am I decided to judge for myself (my opinion being the only one that matters). The books are well written, structured for an evolving storyline and grow in maturity level as the books go on. Shame on the religious fanatics that have crapped all over this series as being satanic and Wiccan...it's a story, get over yourselves...or I will cast a spell on you and turn you into a liberal!

Twilight Series: Stephenie Meyer really hit the nail squarely on the head with these books, and much like the aforementioned Harry Potter books I was skeptical that these books were anything more than teenage fluff. How wrong was I?!? Well I wasn't wrong, as usual I was awesome and so are these books. If you like the movie I demand that you read the books now! Don't go to work, don't eat, and don’t take bathroom breaks...get reading. Although the movie is fairly faithful to the book, I think that anyone who reads the first chapter will see that Meyer really has her shit together...besides she was inspired by the band Muse...which may be the coolest band to come out of the British Isles since the Beatles...and that's high praise.
All the movies are scheduled to be made into films so if you are a douche who can't read, fear not you'll get you chance.

2001/2010: Arthur C. Clarke wrote some really cool books. Arguably, 2001: A Space Oddessy is the precursor to modern sci-fi movies, and certainly Stanley Kubrick's film which was written concurrently with the book was an amazing achievement. I would offer that the book series which has 2 more books 2061 and 3001 are some of the coolest books by an old dude that you could read. Clarke's vision of the future, although not in line with the actual future, has offered us a lot of interesting ideas that have spawned technologies that we now take for granted. Now granted, 2010 wasn't exactly the best film ever made, but the book version was so check it out.

Nightwatch/Daywatch: These movies, if you're lucky enough to even know they exist (they're Russian) are probably the coolest sci-fi/fantasy movies ever made outside Hollywood...BAR NONE! If you haven't seen them then get on your Netflix and queue them up immediately, or I will smack you like a bad bad donkey! In the meantime you should go get the entire Nightwatch Series of books by Sergei Lukyanenko, which includes Nightwatch, Daywatch, Twilight Watch and Last Watch (so far). These books are mind-blowingly good...an absolutely awesome book series, following an epic struggle between good and evil...and for once the United States isn't the major player here...it's Russia, deal with it! Certainly a top pick for awesome reading. Shame that the latest two books have not been made into films as yet...we can hope.

Lord of the Rings: Yeah the movies were epic...but how could they not be given the books they were based on. J. R. R. Tolkien gave the world what we now commonly envision as elves and dwarves and all manner of fantasy that we now take for granted...it wasn't Dungeons and Dragons, it was Tolkien. Without his books, The Hobbit, and the Lord of the Rings series we'd all be living with a whole different perception of the fantasy world, and you'd have never created a elven mage with magic missile in your buddy's basement in 9th grade that you still think about from time to time...nerd! Anyhow, bypassing your awkward teenage years these books are a rich tapestry of myth and magic with epic battles and heroic characters. Give it up for the granddaddy of them all!

Other Noteworthy Movie/Books you should check out:

Dune

The War of the Worlds

The Time Machine

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Lars T.

You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them. -Ray Bradbury

September...where hast thou gone with my console games?

So it's the end of the month and I thought since I have been neglecting the blog I'd stay up really late watching kids shows on Netflix and then at the butt-crack of dawn write a little something for all of the no ones out there who don't read it anyway!

I'd like to talk if I could about a growing issue that doesn't get enough attention in this country. It's a serious issue that I think needs to be discussed in a meaningful way with constructive dialogue and insightful exchange. Perhaps we could get a think tank going to better alert everyone to the dangerous and seemingly unstoppable problem we're facing today. I of course am referring to shitty video games that video game companies seem to think are really cool.

Here's my top 5 list of the crappiest games I have seen this past year.

All Star Cheer Squad for Nintendo Wii
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3206698
A game about cheerleading...I don't know what brain trust came up with this winner but by God I'd like to shake their hands...right off their limp wrists! It's one thing to be a cheerleader, the cheering, the football games, the underage sex and alcohol, it's quite another to want to pretend that it's cool to be a brainless slut with a penchant for flavored lip gloss and not wearing panties. Mothers and fathers of America BEWARE...this game will lead your little girls to slutdom and ultimately to pornographic acts on MTV's Real World.

Sims 2: Castaway
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3595704
I've personally railed against the Sims since the first time I laid an errant eye on the game. It's bad enough people are spending way too much time in front of the computer (yes I am guilty as everyone else) but add to that the fact that you can live a vicarious life through simulation and we're one step away from Bruce Willis's new movie. It started innocently enough...build a house, a family and watch them do all the things you should be doing yourself, then it got racey...send them to a night club, strand them on an island...what next...make them go down and pick up their welfare check? It's what you'll be doing if you play this instead of living your life.

Madagascar Kartz
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3762935
I don't know about the rest of you, but rehashing a racing game 85,000 times seems like such a bad idea that someone in the gaming industry is probably shooting themselves in the head as we speak because their boss just told the to do another "Cart" game. Mario Cart...OK it's a good idea, mix a marketable character into a cute go-cart game...it's got potential. Why oh lord then do we need to make a version for every animated thing on earth? Market saturation apparently is not a term that's tossed around in software companies all that much. "Hey Ted, just had a great new game idea!" - "What's that Mr. Senior VP?" - "I want to make a go-cart game about the Rice Crispy guys...we can call it Snap Crackle Pop-cart!" - (Sadly a single gunshot wound to the head doesn't remove the bad taste from your mouth). And spelling Carts with a K and Z doesn't make the game cooler...or make the person who came up with it more likely to get laid...ever.

The Beatles: Rock Band
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3537268
I know I'm going to catch a lot of flack about this one but it needs to be said. When I was 16 I asked my dad to get me a guitar and teach me how to play it. I got a 5 minute lesson and a "go to it". But like so many other kids with nothing better to do than make an awful racket, I kept at it to become the most mediocre guitar player ever...but at least it really was a guitar! Now kids think that it's cool to push colored buttons and butcher classic rock music. The day the music died is when some ass clown decided that fake instruments were a good idea...I'll bet in ten years guitars will all have 4 buttons and no strings. I'll have hung myself with a bass string listening to "This is the end...my only friend the end..."

Bass Pro Shops: The Strike
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3819111
Way to take a boring sport and make it fake, retarded and boring! The thought of hunting or fishing in a video game is about as ridiculous as using a cell phone to bring down a 12 point buck. First and foremost...are there video fishing days when you get up at 4AM to hit the lake for a day of fishing with the boys? On that glorious video game day do you and your buds drink too much digital beer and get a sunburn without catching a single fish? Do you get to go to the video game bar afterwards to brag about the "one that got away"? Do you stumble back to your video game home at 2AM the next morning wondering if you remembered to lock up the fishing gear and reeking of vomit and regret? If not, it's not a true fishing simulation and I say SHAME!

Adios September, we hardly knew thee.

Lars T.

Comedy Douche...Clean it out!

I was flipping between Football and Comedy Central tonight and it hit me. I need to address my growing dissatisfaction with comedians. There's a glut of really stupid comedians out there whose acts are tired and useless. They talk and I don't laugh, I cringe. Which brings me to a much larger issue...when did comedy become so stupid? I can't turn on the TV without seeing someone making an infantile comment about their anatomy, or a poop joke. Where's the intelligence? Wit has been replaced with tawdry cracks.

So tonight I give you my top 5 list of comedians who I would just as soon see dragged under a bus as listen to for any amount of time. Side note...I want to drive the dragging bus.

#1 Jim Breuer. OK, here's a guy that hasn't been funny since...forever. I caught his latest comedy special on Comedy Central and he's still making the same stupid jokes he's been making since the 80s. Goat Boy? AC/DC voice? Please...stop. And oh Jim we get it! You've got two lazy eyes which make you look stoned all the time...OOOOHHHH! I'd like to take one of those silly pizzas you're peddling on TV and shove it hot out of the oven down your throat until you suffocate on cheese. JACKPOT!

#2 Larry the Cable Guy. Here we have a guy, who pretends (yes he does!) to be a redneck. It was a genius move, but I feel it's a little Milli Vanilli. Besides that, it got tired when he was still doing it on talk radio in Florida 10 years ago. Only the lowest common denominator of people think this guy is funny. Git er done? I'd Git er done with a shotgun and a shovel...which incidentally are the only tools Larry needs to have a meal. The shotgun to kill it and shovel to spoon the raw racoon into his gaping speak hole.

#3 Carlos Mencia. Here's a case of the stereotype fitting the person...and yet NOT fitting the stereotype. If he WAS in fact Mexican you could argue that he fits the stereotype because all he does is steal other people's material. But he's NOT...he's Honduran, and his first name is Ned. Sure his mother was Mexican, but he probably has only been there to do washed up standup for drunk teens in Cancun. This man stole material from Bill Cosby...Bill COSBY! No wonder he doesn't have a show anymore...I wish that Joe Rogan (a fellow comedian and badass martial arts master) would rip this guy a new asshole and shove a lowrider up there.

#4 Frank Caliendo. In the beginning, Frank came along and gave us a "spot-on" impersonation of John Madden, and it was good. Then we got a marginally good impersonation of Al Pachino, and we chuckled. Then we got some poor impersonations of William Shatner and George Bush, and suddenly, Frank Caliendo got old. Want me to prove this dried up turd of a human isn't funny...just watch any episode of Frank TV...it's like watching the Tsunami...a total disaster and no laughing matter.

#5 Dane Cook. Mr Edgy himself. Oh he's hip, he's cool! He's got his finger on the pulse of a new generation. MY ASS! This guy isn't edgy, he does bad romantic comedies for GODSAKE! If he's all dark and edgy why in the wide wide world of sports is he doing romantic comedies with Jessica Simpson? Riddle me this Mr. Dane Cook...how many fingers am I holding up right now? Hint: it ain't two like you...it's a bit less...

Got a suggestion for a dragging? Let me know, there's always room for a few more under the bus.

Lars T.

It's that time of night...when the world turns upside down.

What in the hell are people doing buying infomercial junk? And who are these special little "God Mistakes" that keep these companies pumping out useless crap? Forget the get rich quick stuff...let's talk about the ridiculous products. We've got products that suck the moisture out of meats and fruit for jerky and dried fruit along side products that grind the moisture out of fruits and veggies for delicious smoothies, we've got ovens the size of microwaves that make the juiciest 10lb turkeys you've ever eaten...but without the artery clogging fat. We've got unbreakable epoxy clay, battery powered closet lights, cleavage clips that make small seperated boobs look like bosom buddies and something that looks like the button you slap in the family feud that can apparently chop eggs and meat and onions better than a NY master chef with 20 years experience. Speaking of chefs, what kitchen would be complete without a set of knives that never need sharpening and can cut through aluminum and tomatoes with ease, along with that cleaver that doubles as a food scoop?

Buying products on TV is like dating a stripper, once you have it you can't take it anywhere that respectable people are, it costs so much more than it's worth and it's made mostly of cheap plastic that will fall apart in couple years.

I will now run through my top 7 most insane and idiotic TV products.

#1 Bumpits™ self gripping leave-in volumizing hair inserts give you instant volume and let you enjoy feeling confident and beautiful, like you just stepped out of a professional salon!!

This thing looks like a hardened breast implant that you stick under your hair to make it look more voluminous. It's a hair implant...the only thing I have to say about that is that I like the ladies to look natural, not like the crystal skull aliens from that Harrison Ford movie...I mean really...is this product needed? Ladies? I think that hair inserts are another instance of false advertising...you wake up in the morning and without the hair insert and high heels, miss 5'9" is now 3'11".

#2 Snuggie Blanket… the Blanket with Sleeves! Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.

The next time I get trapped in a blanket I'm going to get right on this one. This idiotic "invention" is just a fleece "cult robe" worn backwards...it was most likely invented by Kris Kross, the silly rap child duo who wore their ugly urban clothes backwards...If I decided to ever wear one of these stupid things in public, I want one of you out there to burn me in it...Oh by the way, they now can be custom printed with your favorite logo/picture/saying. I want one that says "Look I'm a douche...In a Snuggy!" handed out to everyone who ever bought one of these insulated idiot warmers.

#3 HD Vision WrapArounds use technology that gives you clarity you’ve never experienced! Simply wraparound your regular glasses for enhanced vision. They are lightweight and durable, with modern European style. Why spend money on expensive prescription sunglasses, when you can wraparound?

Wow can it be true!??! Can I really get "HD vision"? Let me clue you in...unless you were born blind and these glasses can cure it, you most likely already have HD vision. These sunglasses were marketed under the name Blue Blockers a few years ago, they're merely the amber glasses that a lot of sportsmen wear when they go fishing...polarized for better clarity or some such nonsense. They look stupid, they fit over glasses, old people love them...nuff said. European people see you wearing these and you'll get you ass whooped and then laughed out of town.

#4 Jump Snap - the ropeless jumprope. "Jumping at a moderate speed of 70 to 120 turns per minute for 15 minutes burns 150 to 200 calories—as much as running a ten minute mile, but with half the impact on your knees and ankles."

OK...there may be a benefit here...but let's be honest, if you can't jump rope, you shouldn't fake it...I don't go out on a half pipe in my sneakers and jump around like an idiot and call it foot boarding because I can't skateboard, don't insult the rest of us by pretending there's an invisible rope that you aren't skipping. This is a case of the Emperor's New Clothes if ever I heard it (if you don't get the reference look it up). Jumping rope is about coordination, if you don't have it, waving around two plastic egg beaters isn't going to help...My suggestion, get a couple of plastic bottles, some string and two lug nuts and make the $.99 cent version, sure it doesn't have a handy electronic counter...but do it for fifteen minutes and you'll most likely be sweaty...or have destroyed all the breakables in the house.

#5 Presidential Victory Plate. Now you can own a piece of history! Celebrate the victorious election of our 44th President of the United States, America's first African American Commander, with the commemorative plate from the American Historic Society™. The Historic Victory Plate™ is a priceless work of art featuring the triumphant President-Elect surrounded by the American flag and spectacular fireworks celebration.

Priceless? Work of Art? Piece of History? If you buy this plate I will come over to your house and beat you with a tire iron...then I'll take the plate and use it as a frisbee against a brick wall. Am I racist or conservative when I say this? NO...I merely think that people who collect plates should be institutionalized for creating a hobby that should not exist. Unless I can use this plate to slop Salsbury Steak all over President Obama, I don't want it. Scratch that...I just plain don't want it. If you think collecting plates is going to help you pay the bills when social security fails and the plate market matures...you are going to be living on the streets eating dog food off Barack's smug visage.

#6 ShamWow! cloths wash, dry, and polish any surface. They are like a towel, chamois, and sponge all in one--except they're extremely absorbent and can be used over and over. ShamWow! towels are machine washable and bleachable, will not scratch surfaces, and will last for more than 10 years.

I couldn't go through the list without mentioning some product that's sold by Vince. This is a cloth that sucks...literally. Peddling this wonder, is none other than the squinty-eyed-master Vince...who loves German products for some odd reason. With his amazing headset, which he most likely uses to call his agent constantly to check how many more millions he has made (either that or is covers up a disfigured ear), Vince tells us of the amazing piece of yellow magic that can pull coca cola up through carpeting and then ring it out into a bowl for later consumption. Indeed this is the one product that truly has truth built right into the name...it's a Sham alright. I heard Moses actually used one to cross the Red Sea...sucked the water right up...and made the crossing "Israelite safe".

#7 Space Bag. Triple your CLOSET Space! No more Messy Closets, the New Hanging Space Bag will give you an entire Closet Makeover. Space Bag uses a vacuum seal, space saver storage bags which gain up to 3 times more space for your home storage and travel needs. If you can't make your closet drawers larger, then make your stuff smaller.

If there's a dimensional portal through space/time that creates a pocket universe where I can store clothing I never wear then sign me up...conversely, if this is merely a bag I suck air out of with the same vacuum that I suck up Mr. Skruffy's kitty litter with then forget it. I can't imagine why I would need a bag that I put clothes into that I can submerge under water and still pull them out clean and dry. I don't store my clothing at the bottom of the pond out back (that you know of) and most of my clothes stay in an unfolded pile on the other side of my bed...I only go into the closet to find ties, once a year or so.

All in all I'd say that NO product EVER sold on TV is worthwhile...with perhaps the exception of the "Freedom Rock" collection. Aging Hipsters everywhere rejoice, your soundtrack is only $19.99.

Lars T.

Left Field

Nazis of course are evil [+/-], but when one is engulfed in the ocean also known as O.C.D., Nazi as an adjective seems acceptable. Such as being very particular about your collections or hobbies, et cetera...Be that as it may, it does not mean you cook Hebrews in an oven, or attend KKK rallies. Things that are personal to someone are often treated with a different state of existence, be it physical, spiritual, or all points in between. So one adopts a "Nazi" like mentality towards dealing with such, and sometimes it overflows into places it should never be. As someone very close to me so aptly put it, "...being able to identify the irrational, and detrimental thoughts and not act upon them means you are fine..." And they were absolutely correct. Despite all the miscommunication, poor life choices, failures, et al; I am fine. I am nowhere near what my mind had planned for my future, my health could probably be better [Knock on wood...], but despite all the Tomfoolery, there are a host of things related to my existence that are awesome. My wife, my child, dogs, accomplishments I can be grateful for, people that did not suck that I had the honor of meeting or knowing, you get the idea...I am fine.

With that being said, I have a ton of knowledge concerning Dachshunds, and do believe the Badger Hound pictured above, knows something we do not...

"I like to make every ones day more surreal." Calvin and Hobbes [Calvin]

I am a sucker...I admit it, most likely here for the first time. I like the romatic comedy genre. Ouch, it's out there now, but it needed saying. I just saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Renolds. I liked the movie a lot, and it came to me that I generally like the romantic comedies I see. The Sweetest Thing, 10 Things I Hate About You, French Kiss, yup I liked them, and that's not even the full list...someone needs to shut me down now. I think I have issues...but admitting your problem is the first step towards solving them...so perhaps this is a good start.

Sandra Bullock is hot. I also like Julia Stiles...god what's wrong with me.

Lars T.

A vacation from myself.

I miss NY. I know that I love living in Florida, but as soon as I get back down here and have a little time to myself I realize just how much I was actually doing in NY while I was there and none of it had anything to do with TV or a computer...it's odd. I was complaining about the fact that Malone, NY is like a step back to 1989 but in a strange way it's actually a bit liberating. There wasn't any need for me to get connected, or try hard to entertain myself on the "interweb". I just enjoyed being there. I read a book in the pleasant weather, went to the lake and relaxed and visited with my family. I actually took pleasure in cleaning my car...it's a whole different world up there and now I have to get back to the business of keeping myself alive here in Florida. I hope I'm up to the challenge.

I have a few ideas about where I'd like to go with my life choices and I know that there is a finite amount of time left for me to get things going, but for 13 days I didn't have to think about that. I just existed in a world that, though touched by modernity, still held a lot of the simpler pleasures in life dear.

Sure I checked my facebook a couple times, and emailed some contract work to my employers, but I didn't feel the urgent need to check my email 10 times a day, or make sure I looked at my facebook status regularly to see what everyone was doing. I started caring about what it was I wanted to do...and I think that translated into my looking a little closer at what it is I want out of life, and the means to achieve those ends...

I needed my hometown perspective to see things a little better.

Lars T.

Great ideas come into the world as quietly as doves. Perhaps then , if we listen attentively we shall hear, among the uproar of empires and nations, the faint fluttering of wings, the gentle stirrings of life and hope. -Albert Camus